The Balanc(e)ing act

"Can he see me behind the door?"

My heart flutters...or rather...beats frantically against my rib cage, in an attempt to jump off and run away from the danger. I try to shake my brain out of its frenzy of unfathomable fear. No use. My mental(!) faculties are frozen, much like the funds for anything that incurs expense, in my office.

I try to summon up atleast vestiges of the "strong independant woman" in me. Apparently she had made her strategic exit long ago. I suspect this was due to the heavy exposure to 24x7 news channels and their incessant stories about how some corrupt XXX got anticipatory bail.

I try to reinforce the prowess of my extremely theist alter ego. I sqeeze my eyes and "let go". Then I remember the moral of the fable I had read when I was in first standard A section - "God helps those who help themselves". Totally unrelated, but I can't help wondering, why would I need God's help if I can help myself?

The idea(no, not the one Bachchan Junior recommends) dawns on me but I am not in a position to shout "Eureka!". HE might hear me. I can hear HIM pacing to and fro.

I frantically open my bag and fish out my mobile. I scroll down my contact list and find the number. I press down my finger on the green call symbol and listen. I hear a voice. God does exist.

But wait. No. no no no no NOOOO!

"Dear customer, please note that your account balance is low. Kindly recharge to enjoy continued service...blah blah blah"

Me - "?@#$% whaaa?...what? Owww!! ok its over...its over"

Au contraire....

"Anbulla vaadikkaiyaalare...."

Me - "HayoooooOOOO!!!"

I am supremely irritated and do the worst. The worst has happened. I feel as strong as Popeye stuffed with Spinach. I open the gate and let it swing as if I am Rajni in ApoorvaRaagangal.

I am ready. I can face HIM. I don't care. I say, "Come on! It is either you or me. I have braces on my teeth. They can rip you apart, you four legged canine! Caamaan talk me!"

Disclaimer: This post is just for fun. If there is any truth in it, it lies in the part about my apprehension about going near dogs and yes, the automated aunty's voice on the telephone. I respect dogs. I love them in pictures.

Father magan

A guy has "the talk" with his dad, after he finishes his studies. His dad finds out that all his son wants to do is flirting. This is just an imaginary conversation between father and son, with lines picked off from Thevar Magan...just for fun.

Note: Some of Sivaji's dialogues have been used for the son. This conversation is not a direct mapping of the movie dialogues like Sivaji's dialogues --> Father Kamal's dialogues --> son.

Father: ama...idu namma oorku prayosanama irkum la...

Son: namakku prayosanama irkum...

Father: seri...idellam epdi inge pannuve? unaku ida pathi lam theryuma?

Son: illa ayya adu namma oorla panra idea ve illa...Chennai Bangalore Hyderabad...madri edathula...like a chain of restaurants...(he is talking about possible locations)

Father: tamizh tamizh...

Son: Anda ithum baingale...idu..

Father: enna da adu? (So this fellow intends to go off and have fun leaving me in this forlorn village? huh!)

Son: ayya kovathula ededo pesureeyale...

Father: ipdi pesi pesiye dan oru kayya kondutu poitainga...

After a pause

Father: Ingaye irappa...naalu perukku edo nalladu seyyappa nu sonnen...apdye enakum oru vela potu kudu...

guy:(horrified) padhaaraadenga ayya...

Father looks at oor makkal - another bunch of guys like his son.

Father: (Realises that his son is definitely not going to include him in his gallivanting spree and gives up) Ida parunga da...inime ivaru dan ungaluku ellam...ivar solra madriye seyyunga...

Father walks away in a huff, accompanied by baritone voices singing the praise of Father's forefathers, in the background, while his son sighs in relief.

You gotta earn it...Mind ittt!

There are ads these days telling us that we need to earn chocolates - just earning enough money to buy them does not suffice anymore. So, a day with Maya akka after a loo-hoo-ngg time - yeah, I did have to "earn" it. I literally did toil in sweat(I drive a Maruti 800, 2004 model...no point in expecting it to keep me cool under Chennai's blazing sun at 12 in the noon near Doraiswamy subway).

Well, I started out cool(AC was working fine when I set out from home) and happy, singing along with the MP3 player in my phone. I felt very grown up, driving to T nagar via the subway(mom never allowed me to take my car there). So, it was a great start to the day. Little did I know that I had some (l)earning to do.

I deftly swished past the traffic near Ashok pillar(adellam chuma jujubee, you see..). After turning right at the Bloo-Pink store junction and reaching Arya Gowda road, I felt I had arrived. I had definitely become a grown up, pukka Chennai citizen. I was going to reach my Mecca - Pothy's junction, on my own.

I had forgotten one thing. Have you seen pictures of the Mecca Masjid? It is this huge building surrounded by a sea of human heads.

Pothy's is similar to it, surrounded by human heads and tops of cars, autos and other vehicles strangulating Chennai's roads.

I was in the line, waiting for my darshan of Pothy's, from 11:30 to 12:30. I could not even give up and turn back home. There was not an inch of space around my car. I was chanting the names of all the Gods that my grandmother has mentioned in her story telling sessions while stuffing breakfast into my mouth during my school days, because my car has this strange habit of stopping and refusing to get started in the very middle of a traffic jam.

The line moved on. I almost expected a counter by the side of the road, reading "Special darshan - Rs.50", for a short route to Mukthi. But alas, nothing of that sort has come up yet. So the traffic snailed on and on. There were 2 lines on the road and whenever the line on my right edged a few inches further, I felt like nudging the car in front of me and saying, "Move it man! Look at that guy on the right, he is going places, and I am stuck with you! Trust me to get tangled with the losing side!", much like pattu mami in edhirneechal..."aduthaathu amboojatha pathela" song).

My feet were smarting with pain and begging to stay away from the clutch and brake pedals. To cut a long traffic line short, I finally made it to Pothy's. I could not resist taking a snap of the shop and, I must say, I did risk my life in the process.

P.S: Don't be deceived by the picture. I was driving slow, and put some space between me and the car in front of me amidst a lot of honking behind me. The road was packed, I say.

At that point, whichever demi-god in heaven is responsible to collect the "earnings" metrics and attest that I am a certified "(l)earner", decided that I could now use the second, third and fourth gears(which, by this time, I was sure both me and my car did not know how to operate any longer). It was a breezy drive(yeah, I had to lower my windows and give up all pretence of driving an air conditioned car) after that.

I reached Maya akka's house. She has a very cute home and I have always had fun with her. Today was no exception. We had great food, and we watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S at home. A perfect weekend. Thanks akka! :)

Oh, what did I (l)earn today? I learned that one must never drive to T nagar on a hot day - always take an auto. And earned a great saturday :)

Girl stuff - Educational material

10 reasons why it sucks to be a girl

1. You cant even plan anything on ur own without mentally addressng questions from family, or worse, boyfriend.

2. There is curfew time for anything n everything. If you are an unmarried girl from a middle class family, not even a single "sanctioned" glimpse of nightlife to you.

3. You cant be alone. You should not be alone. If you are, you are "modern" and you "dont know ur limits".

4. If you say you are not interested in marriage, you are definitely in love with some loafer, who belongs to another caste.

5. If you eat out alone, you have lost ur femininity bcos a) u din attempt cooking (or) b) u are not economic.

6. If you politely refuse a trip to the temple or blurt out that you do not chant slokas at home everyday, even though people know that not all girls chant everyday, admitting to it is acknowledging your sacrilege.

7. You cant repeat a dress within a timeframe of 2 weeks. Even guys notice dat and worse, ask you about it(yes, some obnoxious types do that).

8. You cant wake up in the middle of the night and go out for a walk even in your own garden. not safe. Not safe - you also have to answer a dozen questions.

9. When you are at school, you cant sit, resting your elbows on the table. Wrinkled elbows are looked down upon.

10. You cant go and play after 10th standard. If u r 25, no way, you are mentally ill if you show an interest in casual outdoor games, unless you pay a hefty amount to a sports club(that is investing in your health).

The Commandments of the girl kingdom

1. Thou shall keep in mind that any outting plan with another girl is bound to not happen, 98%. If its an all girls gang thing, 99.5%, its not gonna happen - atleast one of them will drop out.

2. Thou shall keep in mind that if thou art talking to a girl, and she gets a call from a guy(not stalker types), she will cut thy call, 90%. If thy call is waiting, she will ignore the waiting call, if she is talking to a guy.

3. Thou shall keep in mind that thou cant borrow even a safety pin from another girl, if thou does not intend to let her borrow your senti stuff.

4. Thou shall keep in mind that thou cant ever take sides with the person who is right, if both are girls. Thou shall keep in mind that thou can never be frank. Thou shall have an all time ally and stick to her else thou shall b left alone and bitched about by the above-mentioned 2 participants.

5. Thou shall keep in mind that thou must put up with stories about "the" guy even if thou art sick of him as a topic of conversation. Thou just has to. With a smile, with atleast feigned interest. Else, thou shall have no one to talk to.

6. Thou shall keep in mind that "the" guy is thy brother. always. Thou shall put up with the "safe" way of removing thou from the competitors list, even if "he" is not someone thou would even think of saying hello

7. Thou shall keep in mind that thy friend(the girl) can never be wrong. neither can her boyfriend.

8. Thou shall accept the fact that if there is a gang of 3 girls, one will be the apparently reserved but actually kadalai type, one will be the giggly type and the third, thou - will be the silent sufferer type.

9. Thou shall keep in mind that thou can never have more than one girl as thy close friend. if thou cross that limit, thou art doomed to face an "am-possessive-about-you-dont-talk-to-her" melodrama every week.

10. Thou shall keep in mind that if thy friend has a boyfriend or worse, a husband, thou, the "best" friend is the last person on earth she will think abt. But of course, thou art her twin soul and thou shall understand even if she forgot thy existence for a year and calls when she is bored and hangs up the moment her husband is back. She is thy best friend.

11. Thou shall keep in mind that if thou snaps at thy "close" friend for being giggly, thou shall camouflage it with, "I know about you...but those guys might mistake you...I just didn't know how to put it...am sorry". Then she shall give the perfect finishing- "awwww".

12. Thou shall keep in mind that wherever there are girls, there are gangs. Thou shall remember this and stick to thy gang. Thou shall not try to cross over, that is a stupid risk and thou shall be left out of every available gang. Even guys cant talk to thou in such a case.

13. Thou shall keep in mind that thou art out shopping, thou shall read faces. If thy friend likes a dress, thou shall shut thy opinion that it does not suit her, in an iron case in the deepest recesses of thy mind, even if thou does not want to walk with her in that outfit.

14. Thou shall keep in mind that thou has to listen to everything, literally, happening in thy friend's life. Thou shall give the opinion that she wants to hear. detect her state of mind n frame sentence accordingly.

15. Thou shall keep in mind that thou art also expected to share everything, however personal it is and thou shall listen to opinions albeit uncalled for and thou has to suffer follow ups on the supplied free advice.

16. Thou shall keep in mind that thou cant expect much critical help from girls, not unless there is a sudden pang of conscience or she happens to be thy best friend, but thou shall be criticised for not "asking".

17. Thou shall keep in mind that thou shall give "company" for saree wearing days. if thou does not, thou art a traitor.

18. Thou shall keep in mind that thou cant try somebody's hairstyle or dress pattern or slippers or basically anything. If thou does, thou shall endure the comment "that was my style" everytime thou art seen.

19. Thou shall keep in mind that thou can never be just friends with a guy, ever. Thy friends will always speculate a brewing romance.

20. Thou shall keep in mind that thou cant simply talk 2 sentences about a guy suddenly. Thou has a crush on him.

21. Thou shall keep in mind that thou cant be "jus happy". Thou art in love.

Most importantly - Thou shall keep in mind that thou shall never believe a guy. - This commandment is dedicated to Balakumaran, who devilishly slashed off one zero from the amount he promised to pay me per line, if I wrote these commandments.

Disclaimer: The characters and events depicted in this post are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

The "Marriagesoon" season

Every year, I dread the onset of the "Marriagesoon" season, but the past 2 - 3 years have taken a heavy toll on my tolerance levels. I shall take the time and pen down an explanation of statement number one, don't worry. This post is all about that.

I shall go about answering the questions I anticipate from the reader, and also talk what I want to, in the guise of "answering" your questions. Note: Did you notice what a novel story telling methodology I propose? Hence proved, I am good.

About the Marriagesoon season - The onset of this season has not been identified exactly, but it usually starts around late October - early November. People start calling you up with starters like "hey there is something big coming up..." "Hi...guess what..."..some folks come to the point, no nonsense "Hi, I am getting married, finally!". There is an unmistakable tone of victory in their voices, be it the brides or the grooms. Well, congrats, I say, from the bottom of my heart.

Now, why do I dread it? Well, to be frank, it is the most amusing experience to listen about the "one", but after a point, the stories become repetitive. Even that is fine, I read the same novel a 100 times, this is no big deal. The difficult part to skirt around is, one is put on the spot sometimes with "opinion" questions like, "what do you think of him/her?". You have to agree with me, that is a precarious position. I always feel like saying, "Does it matter? Are you going to change your decision because of what I say?". But I am the sweet friend, I smile, hum and haw and non-committedly manage to utter general pleasantaries and escape. phew!

I love shopping but its a totally different affair when it comes to shopping with a soon-to-be bride. The doubts and second thoughts are a 1000 times worse. I never know what to do when their "sweetheart" calls them while shopping. I can't stare at her while she is on the phone, that would be rude. I can't move away, she would ask, "why did you just go off? That was rude." or worse, some people extend the phone to me and ask me to talk to my "brother" (sly, I know).

The part that personally affects me the most is, I am so used to being the "official-assistant-of-the-kalyana-ponnu", that I have the almost perfect algorithm to orchestrate a tam-bram wedding, but no, the mamis and mamas are not content with that. They assume that me being in the "right age" gives them the license to refer me as a prospective bride to their numerous relatives/acquaintances. I have exhausted myself, trying to come up with plausible answers to the question - "When are you getting married?"

I don't know about their parents, but I sure am happy that most of my friends are married now. No more weddings in the pipeline for some more time. Thanks for the break folks!

Disclaimer: The characters and events depicted in this post are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.