Birthday Bums

Yes, you read it right. Bums, not bumps. It has been reported recently that there is a group that keeps invading birthday parties. The Birthday Aggression Beater Youths (BABY), a non-profit organization that aims to prevent acts of aggression in birthday parties, has done some really good work in carrying out relief activities in severely affected birthday parties.

BABY has done extensive and in-depth research on the modus operandi of these "bums". The organization says that bums are all around us. "They look very normal, and act like normal people. The sad part is that most of us do not realize it even while we are being attacked.", says a spokesperson from BABY. 

Bums can slip in as one of the attendees, and the worst cases are when a bum is one of the organizers of the party. Luckily, there are a few indicators that can help you judge whether your party is being attacked:

1. If the party seems to be going berserk with strange people entering and telling others what to do, you are under attack. Take the cake and run. Oh, take the birthday baby along too.
2. If the party is being held near a swimming pool and random people start pushing in other people randomly.
3. If no one is wishing the birthday baby but all guys are trying to impress some girl in the gathering and all girls are bitching about the same girl.
4. If everyone seems to be more bent upon beating the birthday baby than singing the birthday song.
5. If it feels like a nightmare and you want to leave your own party.

Most people can relate to the scenarios described above. So what can you do if you are planning a birthday party?

1. Plan a party without a cake. Bums avoid cakeless birthday parties.
2. Plan a party that involves a Carnatic music kutcheri. Even if there is chocolate cake, bums flee at the mention of classical music.
3. Never plan a party by the pool, that is like an open invitation to anyone who is roaming about joblessly.
4. Never invite pretty girls to the party.
5. Arrange for some strong bouncers in front of your house to throw out bums.
6. Plan party games. Something involving XBox for guys.They will be lost in it and not force you to play Smear-the-cake or push-me-in-water type kindergarten games.
7. For girls - Start a rumour that one of the guys is checking out one of the girls. Never name the guy or the girl. That will keep them busy and happy.
8. Now sing the birthday song, wish the birthday baby, and sit back with a piece of cake.

In case of emergency situations, reach out to the BABY emergency hotline (564-WET-BABY).
For post-attack post-traumatic counselling, contact (564-CRY-BABY)